Caught Between Worlds
Alternate Self Bios
Derrik “Ace” Booms (James)
(Read in a kind of stoned-out monotone, drooping eyes, slowly and without much motivation)
“Um, ok. Hi me. I guess. Uh, your name is Derrik Booms, but, uh, my friends call me “Ace”. Well, they will soon. Or that’s what I call myself…to…Uh. Anyway. Welcome back from whatever this thing was. They’ve told me it is some sort of video game or something. Uh, a “immersive virtual experience.” Sure, sounds neat I guess. It’s supposed to take several months or something. Which will be good, since my brother kicked me out of his house again. Uh, he’s all “you have to earn your keep” and “why don’t you get a job” and “why don’t you have decent hygiene.” Whatever. I make decent money on disability slightly panicked look which is totally legitimate, should somehow my social worker be watching! Uh, anyway, I guess it’s nice that I won this thing. I usually get regular lotto tickets every Friday with my malt liquor run, but these were really shiny that one time. This might be the thing to turn my life around, you know? I could re-enroll in that community college. They’ve probably forgotten about those 5 Fs by now. I might see if I can get a room in one of those government-subsidized places. Uh, maybe. That sounds like a lot of work. Anyway, see you soon. I mean, be you soon.
Alice Purdin (Amara)
(Read in a nasal-sounding voice, kind of nerdy and nervous)
Greetings, myself. You are Alice Purdin, of 433 Westfield Lane. I’ve have been told that I need to make this video in case the personality overlay is “sticking.” I find that unlikely given my organized scientific mind, but I also know the importance of following regulations. I do it a lot at my job at the Cedar Falls Medical Testing facility. There are plenty of regulations when it comes to managing the animals. They’re too dumb to realize that they are contributing to the great body of human knowledge! I mean, healthy benefits! Beauty techniques! At the cost of what, some stupid dogs and cats? There’s tons of them! Sorry, I had another run-in with those animal rights protestors when I was coming out of work yesterday. Made me late to the First Church of Christ the Redeemer for the Southern Baptist counsel meeting. Anyway, they tell me I might get some sort of nature-person in this simulation. I think it’ll be hilarious. Real acting talent I’ll need! I can’t wait for you to get back to being me so I can laugh and laugh and laugh!
Melvin Buttles (Raith)
(Read in your best Ben Stein impersonation)
Hello. My name is Melvin Buttles, and I am you. In order to help return you to your true state, which is me, I’m supposed to record a brief statement about you. You are 25 years old. You work at Prudential Financial in the Cost Accountancy Department. You, I might say with some pride, have been employee of the month four times in the past 5 years. You have three cats. You are very health conscious. Though since you work 60 hours a week you don’t have much time for exercise, so instead you watch your diet. You are a dedicated vegan and have master a dietary supplement regime of vitamins that is the envy of everyone in your stamp collecting club. You are a member of the Temperance union and work to enact stricter laws governing illicit substances. You are an amateur tuba player and an avid transcriber of soap opera scripts. You have been saving up for this virtual excursion for quite some time, and came in at the last minute, so there was only one role left. Hope you had a good time, but tomorrow we need to get back to pounding out those ledgers!
Melody “Muffy” Lesitshire (Amethyst)
(British accent, slightly slurred as though coming off a bender, as hoity-toity as possible. Gesture with a martini glass during the speech).
“Urg, that light is bright. Am I really paying to be blinded, you stupid peasant? What? Right, the video. Hellooooo darling! It’s you! Aren’t you lucky? I am Melody Lesitshire, but everyone calls me Muffy. We are the bluest of the blue bloods darling, from across the pond. Daddy bought us this fantastical virtual vacation, or something. I’m not entirely certain. The Help was talking about it being all the rage, but you know we rarely pay any attention to them. It does sound a little exciting, all swooning over nobles and suchlike. Plus, Daddy does say that it’s a good idea if we went away for a bit after all that nonsense over that petty traffic accident. It was those stupid children’s fault for walking in the street anyway, crosswalk or no crosswalk. But don’t worry darling, we’re better than those little people, and I’m sure Daddy will have sorted it out by now. So I hope everything went smashing and you shagged a bunch of rich noblemen. Of course, you’ve been doing that here too, and I’m sure we can’t wait to get back at it! Ah-hwa-hwa-hwa-hwaaaa!
Havel “Kneecrak” Jarvonic (Dorion)
(Done in a sinister and threatening manner, just a hint of eastern European accent if you can manage without sounding silly)
I have been told that these tapes are private, and wiped after they are used or not needed. A broken wrist later, and I believe the technician. Heh. You are Havel Jarvonic. You work in the protection business. You protect the reputation and business interests of Tarq Vargus, the Steel Shark. He is a very important man in the eastern seaboard families. You take care of problems for Vargus. You either scare problems away, break problems down, or bury them place no one will find them. nasty smile. You prefer to break them. You have earned nickname “Kneecrak” for this very reason. Is very fulfilling work, and pay is good too. You had a wife until a couple months ago. Then she asked too many questions, got too uppity. She is gone now. Of course, it happened the day before you came to this virtual vacation. All forensic evidence should point to this fact. Vargus very understanding. Let you handle the problem personally, and set up this vacation for you. You will be very happy to go back and do more of his business as soon as possible.
Thomas McPhearson (Jaxson)
(Done in a quiet, reserved manner. Very steady, focused)
Hello Thomas. That is your name, Thomas McPhearson. It is a good name, one given to us by our Lord God in Heaven through our Father, Richard McPhearson. He is a famous pastor, and you will be one too, soon. You are in an accelerated program designed to get you through Stillwater Seminary, and I must say you do have a talent for it. They say I will be the youngest pastor to graduate from there in a generation. We are very focused on a quiet life dedicated to mediation and serving our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. There is no time for any of the tricks the Devil uses to distract us from our faith: the demon drink, the wiles of loose women, the allure of sinful dancing, and the false idols of sport. You are strong, Thomas, and will never succumb to these. This virtual vacation was a blessing, a reward from your father for completing your second year. You were a bit hesitant, but are ever the dutiful son. But whatever “vacation” from the strict moral code set down for us by God as written in the inerrant word of the Bible is over. It is time to become me again, and know your true calling.
Back to Vignettes